Sometimes I think about you. A lot. Wondering if you ever think about me.Lately, I don't miss you as much and it doesn't hurt either. I guess with time, everything would be back to normal.
I have so many plans for my life and I am bit scared to be disappointed but I have to keep trying. There is not other option. I want to move to Toronto and see how life can be there. Hopefully a better life that in Vancouver.
However, I know that many of my wrong decisions have been good in the end. I have learned a lot about myself . Where there is light, there are shadows too.
How many secrets do we keep in order to maintain sanity? how many times do we forgive someone that we shouldn't forgive? How do we learn to love ourselves ? what things should we sacrifice in order to get something?
I want to dream again...Life is waiting for me!
Aug 14, 2012
May 23, 2012
what I am trying to say..
What I have tried to say in all my past emails is that I
love you for who you are, the real you. I know you are not perfect and I hope
you stop pretending that. Everyone makes mistakes. You might not love me that
way I need or deserve but it doesn’t mean you don’t love me or care as much as
you can.
I can list the things I hate about you but to be honest, I
have learned to love your grumpiness, the complicity that sometimes we have,
the way you read my mind, meeting you in random cities…
What I have been tried to say is that I have been happy around
you. Things didn’t happen the way I wanted or expected but thankfully they were
way better. You might be
able to redeem yourself and be nicer to me in our next trip…
Don’t be sad or feel bad! I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a
little bit, not even at all. I am thankful that I got everything I need to be
happy =)
Making a new ending
Misiu,
Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can
start today and make a new ending. Don’t feel bad about Hawaii. I know you won
the meanest polish drama queen competition. That’s the reason, it was easier
for you to spot when I was trying to be one =)
I wanted to see you and be around you and, I knew that you
probably would be mean to me during the trip; I was prepared for it. I have
never understood how you can go from being nice and then change to be a completely
jerk in matter of minutes. I even
apologized for asking stupid questions because I wanted to enjoy you but you
were too busy trying to convince the world you are a macho man.
I didn’t trick you. My plan was to say good bye. Certainly, I wish you could have been nicer and
spend time only with you and not with Mario and you. Sometimes people aren’t who they seem to be,
and sometimes people are so much more than we originally thought.
I know I started liking you for the wrong reasons but in the
end, I learned to love all your imperfections. It’s hard to understand that sometimes the
person we want the most is the person we are better off without.
Everyone says love hurts, but that’s not true.
Loneliness hurts. Losing someone hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with
love; but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all
pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.
I know you are a stupid polish guy, a very stupid one. I
know you are sorry but sometimes it’s good to say it and it’s good to hear it.
May 18, 2012
What's wrong?
What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with the things I have? Why do I have to complicate things? I have been thinking about you. I don't want to. I want to find someone who thinks about me. Not sure what's wrong...it's just the way things are. There is not a real objective or something that I am looking forward . I am trying to restablish my objectives in a forced way. I want everything but I don't know where to start. Where is the begining ? I am not sure if I am stuck or what.
I have always run away from my problems. I am tired of making wrong decisions. I need to change directions once again. I can't be this anymore. I need to move foward but I need to have a clear idea of what to do or where to go...
I have always run away from my problems. I am tired of making wrong decisions. I need to change directions once again. I can't be this anymore. I need to move foward but I need to have a clear idea of what to do or where to go...
May 16, 2012
MR
Misiu,
Do you remember the days when I used to get annoyed when you
answered me with emoticons? Or the days when I used to call you in the middle
of the day just to say hello? At this
point, everything seems so silly. It is
funny how things work out, isn't it? When we least expect, life face us with a
challenge that test our courage and test how far we can go in order to survive.
I looked back on time
and discovered that the best
portion of my life were the small, nameless moments I spent smiling with someone
who mattered to me: Watching the sunset with you in Phoenix, the kiss in the
airport, hiking with you, making you grumpy intentionally…
I wondered for a long time what I was doing wrong with you
and, suddenly, I recognized I have always asked you to accept me for who I am
when you haven't done that for yourself. How many valuable persons we lose for
being afraid to lose?
I have understood I shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in
your life. I guess, I insisted too hard and you overlooked my worth. I have
followed you in my craziness, neediness and sickness and I have always made an
effort to be good with you but you have always remained
unapologetic, still, afraid, and mean. I have might learned too late, it’s not
always about trying to fix something that’s broken. Some things just can’t be fixed.
I wonder if I weren’t sick you would email me… I am not mad,
I am happy, very happy because I gave it all. I believe sometimes we just have
to risk it. Live the way we feel and you know, it might not turn out well.
Sometimes it doesn't turn out well at all. But we have to try. We have to keep
on trying. Otherwise we just become puppets, all painted smiles where
inside nothing but sawdust. ..
Eternal good byes
Dear Vancouver,
Four years ago, I was ready to start my life as one of
yours: A Vancouverite. Everything about you was new then, Vancouver, even your
intrusions, and I was exhilarated but never exhausted by you – just as I was by
the cutie I had chased.
Within three years, the cutie had said “I am sorry” and
left. Oh, Vancouver, you become my date
and we went to the opera, to plays, to gritty little restaurants in Gastown and
Main. You – the city- were always my date. But you never belonged to me. Eventually you, too, moved on, taking your
buzzing promise of happiness to the next newcomer.
And now that have finally found the willpower to leave,
there are a few things I have long wanted to tell you
Vancouver, I won’t miss your raining season and your people
who don’t smile. I will never forget how
dating you made me so hopeless that I forgot how to turn the lights on in my
darkest moments.
Most of all, I won’t miss how you daily reminded me of this:
that once the cutie has said “I am sorry” and left, there was no more lonesome
place on earth than your West End on a warm summer’s night when the girls and boys cling to each other
as if to keep the other from floating away.
But, Oh, Vancouver! Who am I kidding? I will miss our walks
in English Bay, our dreams together, my
friends, the crazy adventures with you…
What I love about you, Vancouver, and what also breaks my
heart is the same thing. You are everything and yet you are slippery,
standoffish, and ungraspable. Vancouver
you are like a courtesan is best admired from a distance – and most thoroughly
enjoyed on short visits.
Love always,
A
Phoenix
Si nuestra historia se repitiera una vez mas, cambiaria el lugar donde nos conocimos y las
circunstamcias de nuestras caricias. No
preguntaria tanto y dejaria que el silencio hiciera lo suyo.
Me entregaria a un complete extrano en lugar de ti. Dejaria
tu nombre olvidado en la oscuridad despues de llegar al fin del mundo y antes
de regresar aqui.
Si nuestra historia se repitiera. No contestaria el telefono
despues del beso en el aeropuerto. No haria lista de pro y con sobre tus
conductas. No viajaria para encontrarte en el espacio infinito solo para
reafirmar lo que ha sabido desde el principio.
Cantaria menos y me reirira de tu silencio . Cambiara ese
olor tan peculiar a ti que ahora es tan mio. Las soledades que llevas y las mias son enemigas. Te hubiera besado
cuando tu vi el viernes y tu hubiera extranado.
Elephant shoes - MR
This is for all the words left unsaid between us. This is for
all those moments that are forever held in our memories…
I was hopeless when I met you. I was sad and ready to give up. You grew hope
around my ribcage and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones. You turned on the light in my darkness so I
could see the beauty of my garden. During my raining days, you were the warmth
laugh to cure my solitude. The quietness
that accompanies you brought me the needed peace.
. I find funny to find
my strength in my weaknesses. I am a man built in the wreckage of myself.
My idea of you and I is elephant shoes…
