what I am trying to say..

What I have tried to say in all my past emails is that I love you for who you are, the real you. I know you are not perfect and I hope you stop pretending that. Everyone makes mistakes. You might not love me that way I need or deserve but it doesn’t mean you don’t love me or care as much as you can.

I can list the things I hate about you but to be honest, I have learned to love your grumpiness, the complicity that sometimes we have, the way you read my mind, meeting you in random cities…

What I have been tried to say is that I have been happy around you. Things didn’t happen the way I wanted or expected but thankfully they were way better. You might be able to redeem yourself and be nicer to me in our next trip…

Don’t be sad or feel bad!  I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all. I am thankful that I got everything I need to be happy =)

Making a new ending

Misiu,

Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending. Don’t feel bad about Hawaii. I know you won the meanest polish drama queen competition. That’s the reason, it was easier for you to spot when I was trying to be one =)

I wanted to see you and be around you and, I knew that you probably would be mean to me during the trip; I was prepared for it. I have never understood how you can go from being nice and then change to be a completely jerk in matter of minutes.  I even apologized for asking stupid questions because I wanted to enjoy you but you were too busy trying to convince the world you are a macho man.

I didn’t trick you. My plan was to say good bye. Certainly, I wish you could have been nicer and spend time only with you and not with Mario and you.  Sometimes people aren’t who they seem to be, and sometimes people are so much more than we originally thought.

I know I started liking you for the wrong reasons but in the end, I learned to love all your imperfections.  It’s hard to understand that sometimes the person we want the most is the person we are better off without.

Everyone says love hurts, but that’s not true.  Loneliness hurts.  Losing someone hurts.   Everyone gets these things confused with love; but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again.

I know you are a stupid polish guy, a very stupid one. I know you are sorry but sometimes it’s good to say it and it’s good to hear it.

What's wrong?

What's wrong with me? Why can't I be happy with the things I have? Why do I have to complicate things? I have been thinking about you. I don't want to. I want to find someone who thinks about me. Not sure what's wrong...it's just the way things are. There is not a real objective or something that I am looking forward . I am trying to restablish my objectives  in a forced way. I want everything but I don't know where to start. Where is the begining ? I am not sure if I am stuck or what.

I have always run away from my problems. I am tired of making wrong decisions. I need to change directions once again. I can't be this anymore. I need to move foward but I need to have a clear idea of what to do or where to go...

MR

Misiu,

Do you remember the days when I used to get annoyed when you answered me with emoticons? Or the days when I used to call you in the middle of the day just to say hello?  At this point, everything seems so silly.  It is funny how things work out, isn't it? When we least expect, life face us with a challenge that test our courage and test how far we can go in order to survive.

I looked back on time  and discovered  that the best portion of my life were the small, nameless moments I spent smiling with someone who mattered to me: Watching the sunset with you in Phoenix, the kiss in the airport, hiking with you, making you grumpy intentionally…

I wondered for a long time what I was doing wrong with you and, suddenly, I recognized I have always asked you to accept me for who I am when you haven't done that for yourself. How many valuable persons we lose for being afraid to lose?

I have understood I shouldn’t have to fight for a spot in your life. I guess, I insisted too hard and you overlooked my worth. I have followed you in my craziness, neediness and sickness and I have always made an effort to be good with you   but you have always remained unapologetic, still, afraid, and mean. I have might learned too late, it’s not always about trying to fix something that’s broken.  Some things just can’t be fixed.

I wonder if I weren’t sick you would email me… I am not mad, I am happy, very happy because I gave it all. I believe sometimes we just have to risk it. Live the way we feel and you know, it might not turn out well. Sometimes it doesn't turn out well at all. But we have to try. We have to keep on trying.  Otherwise we just become puppets, all painted smiles where inside nothing but sawdust. ..

  

Eternal good byes

Dear Vancouver,

 I will leave you soon. This is for all those moments that are forever held in our memories. I know you won’t miss my departure; I am not sure if I will miss you later on.  Let’s be honest, we have always had a love-hate relationship since the beginning. But we knew our goodbye was about to happen…

Four years ago, I was ready to start my life as one of yours: A Vancouverite. Everything about you was new then, Vancouver, even your intrusions, and I was exhilarated but never exhausted by you – just as I was by the cutie I had chased.

Within three years, the cutie had said “I am sorry” and left.  Oh, Vancouver, you become my date and we went to the opera, to plays, to gritty little restaurants in Gastown and Main. You – the city- were always my date. But you never belonged to me.  Eventually you, too, moved on, taking your buzzing promise of happiness to the next newcomer.

And now that have finally found the willpower to leave, there are a few things I have long wanted to tell you

Vancouver, I won’t miss your raining season and your people who don’t smile.  I will never forget how dating you made me so hopeless that I forgot how to turn the lights on in my darkest moments.

Most of all, I won’t miss how you daily reminded me of this: that once the cutie has said “I am sorry” and left, there was no more lonesome place on earth than your West End on a warm summer’s night  when the girls and boys cling to each other as if to keep the other from floating away.

But, Oh, Vancouver! Who am I kidding? I will miss our walks in English Bay, our dreams together,  my friends, the  crazy adventures with you…

What I love about you, Vancouver, and what also breaks my heart is the same thing. You are everything and yet you are slippery, standoffish, and ungraspable.  Vancouver you are like a courtesan is best admired from a distance – and most thoroughly enjoyed on short visits.

Love always,

A

Phoenix

Si nuestra historia se repitiera una vez mas, cambiaria  el lugar donde nos conocimos y las circunstamcias  de nuestras caricias. No preguntaria tanto y dejaria que el silencio hiciera lo suyo.

Me entregaria a un complete extrano en lugar de ti. Dejaria tu nombre olvidado en la oscuridad despues de llegar al fin del mundo y antes de regresar aqui.

Si nuestra historia se repitiera. No contestaria el telefono despues del beso en el aeropuerto. No haria lista de pro y con sobre tus conductas. No viajaria para encontrarte en el espacio infinito solo para reafirmar lo que ha sabido desde el principio.

Cantaria menos y me reirira de tu silencio . Cambiara ese olor tan peculiar a ti que ahora es tan mio. Las soledades que llevas y  las mias son enemigas. Te hubiera besado cuando tu vi el viernes y tu hubiera extranado.

Elephant shoes - MR

This is for all the words left unsaid between us. This is for all those moments that are forever held in our memories…

I was hopeless when I met you.  I was sad and ready to give up. You grew hope around my ribcage and sprouted flowers just below my collarbones.  You turned on the light in my darkness so I could see the beauty of my garden.  During my raining days, you were the warmth laugh to cure my solitude.  The quietness that accompanies you brought me the needed peace.

.  I find funny to find my strength in my weaknesses. I am a man built in the wreckage of myself.

My idea of you and I is elephant shoes…

No he encontrado a nadie en las calles de esta ciudad a quien contarle todos mis secretos. Hoy parecen tantos que no puedo continuar asi...